This, will be the last piece of journal I write on-line. :)

(Well, before I even start use facebook, I always wrote things on my blogs, bbs, or other community such as bawi. It is the most efficient way to communicate with my friends – I don’t have to bother them by calling while they are studying to say things in my mind.)

Because I was a kid, young, immature, and not that confident about my thought or decision, I might want to talk to others and confirm it is okay. I might want to hear when I am scared or frustrated, that it is natural being freaked out and it will be alright. I might want to hear cheering me when I step into something new or something important or challenging. And when I was not so sure whether I am going to the right direction or not, I might want to hear others’ opinion. For those purposes my privacy was quite open.

But now I am a grown-up, not asking around about every my decision.. So it will be the last one I will post online.

About a week ago, I finally was able to write down my words.. my motto.. on the paper. It was an amazing experience.. because.. it has been always right there… inside of me.. but I could not pull them out as words before.. but suddenly it happened. A sentence which describes me most fundamentally, and the things I have been pursuing even when I was not recognizing it.. I translated it as,

Build a solid foundation and bloom like a flower.

Then I was so surprised that this attitude was all over my life although I was not really conscious. Every time I chose something over other things, or made important decisions in life, I always try to grab the important things while caring less about other things. And then I was so sure that this is who I am, and this is how I want to live. I am wondered how I couldn’t see this before.. from this motto, everything can be connected and now looks make sense.

But because I didn’t realize it before, I did not pursue it, therefore sometimes I was not smart enough to follow this motto. I was afraid of unexpected disturbances which could ruin my plan.. but why?? I think that is because I was afraid of being lost, afraid of going somewhere I don’t wanna go.. against my intension or desire.. But, once I know until which point is the important foundation I should keep, I would not be worried about going to somewhere else taking a different way or surrounding routes. Make guidelines clear when I plan something (minimum requirements or boundaries), then be more flexible and free on other things.. going beyond the plan doing crazy things.. as long as I am inside of boundary I feel secure.

Previously my motto was positive, active, and creative.. It represents how I want to be.. But it was not so easy.. how can I be positive when I am not so sure about current circumstance? I admit that I am a pessimist rather than an optimist. But now this can be also achieved through my new motto. :)

Of course building a solid foundation will not be an easy work.. I should work on that a lot before I can enjoy being free based on that foundation. But now I am so sure that it is the right way.. (I don’t even need to ask around others.. don’t even need to talk to others.. I knew it’s right.) During the last week I planed whole things.. from my physical, mental, and emotional health down to very trivial details.. :)

 

Most of all, I am so glad that I finally found my real theme of my life, not about the work. Former times, it was always something about study or work.. about the way how I can study more effectively, how I can use my energy more efficiently for studying.. (positive, active, creative are also coming from there)

What is my life about? I did not have any answer about it.. I just assume that it will keep changing.. from having a master degree to having a doctorate.. and then to having a job or finishing a big project, etc. But there exists something beyond those ‘things to achieve.’ The attitude towards life.. that is my life is all about. And that is what I will pursue through my life.. this journey..

After 27 years and 9 months, I finally found what defines me, and how I’m gonna live and what for I’m gonna live. I am so glad and happy.. And here, a big chapter of my juvenile agony ends.

 

Bye, :)

Recently I thought about myself a lot.

I wanted to know what kind of person I am..

Former times I always have something to desire, or some ideal person I want to be, but never thought about who I (naturally) am, or whether this ideal person is really whom I want to be or whom others think desirable. Maybe I was (unconsciously) forced to desire something because all the media or other people say it is good or valuable.

Since 2004 my motto was ‘Positive, Active, and Creative.’ It represents the characteristics I want to have.. But am I really positive person? Am I really active? Am I really that creative? I don’t think so… There always exist some gap between my motto and who I am. It is good to have a direction to go forward, but I need some discipline I feel more like mine.. What would be my motto which represents my characteristics and gives me a desirable direction??

When I look back my life, I realize that concentrating on important things, something fundamental is very important to me.. while I was studying or making an important decision.. I always made disciplines / principles by myself, and try to follow them. Daily routines according to plan, organizing stuffs, works, and time.. I even need to make rules for organizing things.. lol I knew even when I was very young that as long as I have firm foundation I would feel safe and more stable against any sudden changes or disturbances. And it is still one of my important characteristics and values.

One thing I missed was that I was not so active on accepting changes. Of course with a firm foundation it is much easier to take changes or disturbances, but I was always trying to come back to ideal/normal routine using that firm foundation instead of enjoying variety or being crazy. This part, which also could be a part of active and creative, will be implemented in my new motto. J not only relying on the firm and solid foundation but also using this foundation to develop myself and be more creative and challenging… it is my direction to go. J

Here is my new motto;

Build a solid foundation, and bloom like a flower.

 

Whenever I need to make a decision, whether it is trivial or not, I will think whether it is about my foundation or variation; for the former I would be conservative and careful, but for the latter I would be challenging and crazy. My colorful life will bloom like a flower radiating positive, active, and creative energy. J

Of course I have thought about the foundations as well… Here are the foundation in details I would keep firm.

1)      I would have solid foundation in my body – healthy nutrition intake, sports (snowboard or squash for dynamic, yoga for static), better eating/sleeping habit, etc.

2)      I would have solid foundation in my emotions or relationships – try to open my mind to closest friends, take more care about friends, spend more time with them, and also be more open and friendly to the people I met by chance. Believe people are kind.

3)      I would have solid foundation in my work – get organized and have a effective working system. Not just do work, but Think !!

 

 

This weekend I go to Strasbourg to give myself little present. After I come back I will use the last week of this year to detox myself.. and new year will begin… with aforementioned motto .

Besides I have new year’s resolution for 2011 (motto of life is more general and not only for one year.. but new year’s resolution is what I want to achieve this year.)

Health	Work
Get off from sugar addiction and have a suitable eating habit	Be an expert on microvibration problem
Practice yoga more earnestly	Work in German without problem or difficulty

 

Los jetzt!!! :)

I could not explain why I am so in love with Germany and Munich, but somehow I feel like this is my second hometown.. Although sometimes I miss Seoul, it is more like missing the childhood or something in the past.. looking back the happy memories..

I just thought it is something magical, something unreasonable, something one cannot explain.. But nowadays I kinda know why this city is so special to me.
I grew up a lot since I moved here.. since the exchange student period.. I changed a lot. In the year of 2006, I could finally go away from my ex, and stand up by myself.. get rid of all the fetters which was strangling me.. what would others talk, what would others think..

I was surprised how people can live differently. The lives are various and colorful, and these varieties are respected. And most of all.. nobody knows me. I am just one student here, nobody expects me to be good or excellent, be kind, be polite, always correct or perfect. I could finally breathe here feeling free. I could open my eyes wide, and experience good changes in me. I started look directly into myself, of course it was not easy and even now I am not good at that. But i am sure that if i didn't have any chance to come here, i would never do in my life.. confronting myself, having an interest in myself...
Former times i was so busy looking forward, could not deeply think or obeserve myself..

I wanted to find myself, real me, not the one whom is defined by someone else such as my ex or my parents or professors. Well, I thought I got to know myself better at that time but it wasn't enough as I recently found.. anyway, it was still a big step for me, and enormous change.. After I experienced this, I decided to stay here it was about 2~3 months later since I came here.
Because... if I go to America as I planed before.. it would be the exactly same in Korea.. surrounded by old friends and colleagues..
I want to get out of that. I want to BE MYSELF, which I couldn't find yet. I need some more time to be alone, away from all the old habbits and customs. That is how I started to isolate myself. I don't want to be influenced by anyone, before I finally find myself. It is not denying my identity as korean or anything. it was to find my identity.

And almost 4 years have passed. Did I finally find myself and be able to "define" myself? The answer is no, but I found something more important.. I found so many new aspects from me, and how much i can be changed.. I could not define myself because i am the person who cannot be described by a few words.. I have lots of potentials in many different things, I might be a very colorful person, and I believe.. I deserve such a life.

People who remember me in the past will be surprised what i am saying.. (I heard that a lot when I first visited Korea after exchange program. But I am changed even more.)
And everything happened here.. all those thought came out here, all those enlightments I found here in Munich. That is the reason why I am so emotionally attached to munich and fell like home. I was kinda new born here.

I know my journey did not end yet, and I don't know about me completely. But nowadays I can look straight into myself and be honest to myself. I don't try to run away from the sight of my super-ego. It is fine. Because, I admit that I am not a perfect person as others.. but I also know that I can always get better. I am the person who has a potential, and never stop trying do my best. Therefore I am proud of myself, and love myself.

Yes, I finally become be able to love myself. It was an amazing leap. My life is not perfect or ideal, and it never will be. But I also know that.. it is wonderful. Ideal life is not a goal, which was before. A colorful, living life is the one I want to live. It is fine to be suffered by some difficulties. I would find a solution, and enjoy the end smiling.. always being excited what color my life will be that day.. sometime it would be blue, and sometimes pink falling in love with someone, or sometimes white with pure mind. Any color will be a part of my colorful life.. that would be my 'newly defined' perfect life. :)

Life.
It is just a way.. a way to get to know myself better, and a way to understand others better as well.. a way to admit the difficultied in life and a way to have hope despite of these difficulties. There sould not be a single goal of life. Instead, it is a journey achieving, well more correctly stepping all the small goals(valuable things) in life and enjoying it.

I thought if I pursue one big goal, I would be extremely happy when I finally achieve it. And then it will compensate all the small joyful moments in life I sacrified to achieve this bigger goal eariler. But it was not true.

Life is like walking down the street on one way only. The scene just passed by will never come back. That is maybe what is always said in yoga class.. Being present.. Being in THIS moment..
I read books a lot, I studied a lot about how I can live better or more efficiently, or how I can achieve important things better. I read tons of books about time management and life management. Some of the are superficial, but I read about this concept, being present, before.. but I did not care that much because.. it sounds just too obvious.
But now I can really feel from the deep of my heart.. what is being present is and also I know that I was far a way from being present.


I want to live.
A real life, which I finally found here and now.
Some friends said that it is a pity that I did not know how to live and wasted my childhood and teenager doing study only. But ironically, if I did not do so, I would not get a chance to come here, and I would never know this invaluable lessons. Therefore.. my life was just perfect. Everything is on the right way!! It is amazing and I feel really blessed.

Jap, I am happy and I'm gonna have incredible happy life from now.
Cheers for me!

It was a night of cold winter in 1995. I registered to 'astro camp' just for curiosity and went to the mountain where the observatory and a kinda small museum are. The program was excellent, and beautiful pictures of deep sky are just enought to fascinate children. However I was fascinated not by them, but by all the telescopes and techniques mankind is using since Galileo.

It was the night I decided to be an aerospace engineer. I want to contribute myself to developing technology which can help mankind investigates space, make a good use of space.
At that night, laying on the snow and looking up the dark night sky full of sparkling stars, I was so happy that I finally found my calling.

After that night I followed the right track; I properly prepared and got into science high school, and took the optimal way - going to KAIST after early graduation, and did my bachelor and master there.
Although there was small change in my plan (I went to Germany instead of USA), I finished my doctorate. And here I am. I got a certificate (doctorate) that I MIGHT be able to be a good engineer in aerospace area.

I still have long way to achieve my dream, but at least I arrived on one important middle point here, and I am happy with that.




On the other hand, (here it is the main part of this story) I have to confess that I had to pay the fiddler from contempting my health.
I was just so lucky that any problem did not happen before I finish the defence. (I still cannot believe that how I was this lucky. Or my body did somehow suppress all the symtoms?? I don't know.)
But now I have to admit that my body is not that special. I know I should listen to others the way earlier.
Luckily any permanant damage or serious ones did not happen yet. It could be recovered soon.



But from now on.. I will remember..
everything I take, everything I eat, will affect my organs. A bite of sweet cookies will make another small whole in my stomach or duodenal, and another bite of cake will damage my leber.
Yes it scared me out.

Here's what doctor asked me never to do.

• Eating sweets, eat fruits instead. And watch out drinks as well, diet coke is not healthy either.
• Eating fatty food (believe or not.. I took too much fat!)
• Eating at night
• Eating large amount at a time (this one I am doing well)

And I will follow these instructions.

The only way to cure completely is change my diet, because pills can help me only temperarily.


I always say when I describe about my nature that I am focusing on foundation.(no wonder why I like anusara yoga among all different typse of yoga)
But ironically I did not behave like that about my health.
Now it is time to change... changing whole my life style.
And.. I start to believe that this way corresponds my nature, too.
Being honest. Focusing on foundation. I will apply these principles to my body, too.




It would be very hard to quit all the sweet things (not only junk food but also cakes, cookies, and gebacks..) because I basically lived with them since 2000. (well often before I replace dinner with icecream or chocolate.. but not everyday)

But now I am willing to do so, and I know what would happen if my willpower gets weakened. I will remind myself the inner side of my organs whenever I want to eat sweet stuffs. (then I am sure it will work. It was gross and scary.)

자우림 노래를 듣고 있음.. 분위기가... 닥치고 공부하기 좋게 암울함 -_-

Oft hat Rainer gesagt, dass ich für meine Ernährung selber verantwortlich sein. Aber ich wollte nicht, weil ich kein Problem von meiner alten Diät (Ernährungsgewohnheit) fühle.

Trotzdem entscheide ich diese große Verantwortung zu tragen.

Aber der Weg, den ich gehe möchte, ist anders als Menschenverstand über Ernährung. Manche sagen, dass man große Frühstück und kleine Abendessen nehmen muss, um gesund zu sein. Es geht mit mir leider nicht. In der letzten Woche habe ich kleine Versuchung gemacht, damit ich bessere Kenntnisse über „mein“ Ernährung-System finden kann.

Frühstück ist für mich nicht so gut; ein paar Obst, wie Apfel oder Orange, ist okay, kleinen „Stück“ Brot auch, aber nicht mehr. Wenn ich nichts essen will, ist es besser, nichts zu essen. Wenn ich große Frühstück habe, bin ich schläfrig und fühle ich mich nicht so frisch. (Mein Magen arbeitet zu viel...)

Mittagessen lass mich schläfrig am Nachmittag. Deshalb mag ich nicht Mittagessen auch. Es ist mein Problem.. Mein Magen ist nicht so gesund, und wenn er arbeitet, kann ich mich nicht so gut auf andere Sache (z.B. Arbeit) konzentrieren. Während meines Studiums, hatte ich gleiches Problem. Wenn ich eine Prüfung vorbereiten habe, habe ich kein bestimmtes Essen, sondern habe ich kleine Snacks sehr oft (4 oder 5 Mal). Dann kann ich sehr gut konzentrieren, und mein Ergehen ist auch sehr gut.

In meiner Meinung nach, ist es mein Weg. Ich verschiebe das Essen spät wie möglich, aber nehme ich „richtiges“ Essen. Es wäre wahrscheinlich das Abendessen nach der Arbeit, weil es besser ist, etwas zu kochen. Und wenn ich so spät nichts gegessen habe, werde ich Hunger haben – dann ich kann genüge Menge essen. Dieser Weg hat auch anderen Vorteil, dass ich nicht so lange arbeiten kann. J

Um Zuckerfall zu vermieden, werde ich kleine „gesunden“ Snacks oft nehmen, z.B. Apfel, Orange, Ginger-tea mit Hönig, Trink-joghurt oder Sojamilch, usw (grundsätzlich Obst oder etwas zu trinken, sodass mein Magen nicht arbeiten muss)

Ich habe ab Montag wie so gelebt, und es gefällt mir sehr gut.

I will go for it!!! :)

한국에서의 겨울도 참 예뻤던것 같다. :)
올해는 한국에 한번도 못가네... ^^;;;

When I look back my youth, I was not so obedient person. I was not so shy.

I was a vice present of students in middle school representing over 1800 students, and I did not damn care about stepping up and argueing against teachers and authourities. And I could still keep my position because my grade was always the best among 1800 students - teachers were nice to me even though I was not obedient like other students, and always claiming when something unfair happened. I once made problem with a teacher from other school because he treated our classmates unfairly, and I could not appologize and also did not about my behavior even when the vice principal of our school pursuaded/asked me to do so because what this teachere did was wrong.
I had my own principles and opinions back then, and tried to follow what I believe. I was also very active and popular among my friends. I was perky and bright young women. I was in more than 4 students' club in high school and had lots of friends back then. I was never afraid of authority or others' opinion. But what happened during last ten years??

It is amazing how much the illusion of "love" can change a person, and how much one can manupulate others with the name of "love."

I was believed that it is my way of respecting someone I love and his opinion. I just followed without questioning; no, of course in the beginning I fought against that because it was opposite from my nature, but later on I accept what he asked.. or maybe i just gave up tired of fighting.

I am not a week person. I could stick to what I believe.
Well.. my mind is a bit fragile, I could be hurt with some words-I cried more than once everyday during the first six months of our relationship, only because of his words.. which was so harsh. Therefore I trained myself to be apathetic to emotional parts of what other's saying. I tried to accept only the surfacial meaning.. do not take anything implied or hidden. do not take anything personally. then I could stop crying.

Yes, now I can trace the way how I changed a bit.. But still it cannot give me the answer, what kind of person I should be from now.. which is my nature..? I am still confused.